The Body, 1982 by The Body 1982

Author:The Body, 1982
Language: rus
Format: epub

16

From The Revenge of Lard Ass Hogan, by Gordon Lachance, originally published in

Cavalier magazine, March, 1975. Used by permission.

They came up onto the platform one by one and stood behind a long trestie

table covered with a linen cloth. The table was stacked high with pies and stood at the edge of the platform. Above it were looped necklaces of bare 100-watt bulbs, moths

and night-fliers banging softly against them and haloing them. Above the platform,

bathed in spotlights, was a long sign which read: THE GREAT GRETNA PIE-EAT

OF 1960! To either side of this sign hung battered loudspeakers, supplied by Chuck

Day of the Great Day Appliance Shop. Bill Travis, the reigning champion, was

Chuck's cousin. As each contestant came up, his hands bound behind him and his

shirtfront open, like Sidney Carton on his way to the guillotine, Mayor Charbonneau

would announce his name over Chuck's PA system and tie a large white bib around

his neck. Calvin Spier received token applause only; in spite of his belly, which was

the size of a twenty-gallon waterbarrel, he was considered an underdog second only to

the Hogan kid (most considered Lard Ass a comer, but too young and inexperienced

to do much this year). After Spier, Bob Cormier was introduced. Cormier was a disc

jockey who did a popular afternoon programme at WLAM in Lewiston. He got a

bigger hand, accompanied by a few screams from the teenaged girls in the audience.

The girls thought he was 'cute'. John Wiggins, principal of Gretna Elementary School,

followed Cormier. He received a hearty cheer from the older section of the audience--

and a few scattered boos from fractious members of his student body. Wiggins

managed to beam paternally and frown sternly down on the audience at the same time.

Next, Mayor Charbonneau introduced Lard Ass.

'A new participant in the annual Great Gretna Pie-Eat, but one we expect great

things from in the future... young master David Hogan! Lard Ass got a big round of

applause as Mayor Charbonneau tied on his bib, and as it was dying away, a rehearsed

Greek chorus just beyond the reach of the 100-watt bulbs cried out in wicked unison: '

'Go-get-'em-Lard Ass!'

There were muffled shrieks of laughter, running footsteps, a few shadows that

no one could (or would) identify, some nervous laughter, some judicial frowns (the

largest from Hizzoner Charbonneau, the most visible figure of authority). Lard Ass

himself appeared to not even notice. The small smile greasing his thick lips and

creasing his thick chops did not change as the Mayor, still frowning largely, tied his bib around his neck and told him not to pay any attention to fools in the audience (as if the Mayor had even the faintest inkling of what monstrous fools Lard Ass Hogan

had suffered and would continue to suffer as he rumbled through life like a Nazi Tiger Tank). The Mayor's breath was warm and smelled of beer.

The last contestant to mount the bunting-decorated stage drew the loudest and

most sustained applause; this was the legendary Bill Travis, six feet five inches tall, gangling, voracious. Travis was a mechanic at the local Amoco station down by the

railyard, a likeable fellow if there ever was one.

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